


10 Things I Hate About Dwarves

by henriettaholden



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - High School, Bastardizing Shakespeare, Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:06:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22266838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/henriettaholden/pseuds/henriettaholden
Summary: When Kili starts a new school and sees Tauriel, he's in love. But he can't start dating her without making sure her brother Legolas is shacked up first. Enter cousin Gimli.
Relationships: Gimli (Son of Glóin)/Legolas Greenleaf, Kíli (Tolkien)/Tauriel (Hobbit Movies)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 34





	10 Things I Hate About Dwarves

**Author's Note:**

> The Tolkien/Shakespeare crack crossover that did not need writing but I did it anyway. Tolkien is probably rolling in his grave but I bet Shakespeare would absolutely love Health Ledger. 
> 
> Heavily influenced by the titular movie which was written by Karen McCullah Lutz and Kirsten Smith based of Shake's Taming of the Shrew. Though I'm sure Leggy will have a bit of Emma Thompson in him too.

When he opened the door, Kili didn't know what he expected, but the school counsellor smoking a pipe and writing a racy novel was definitely not at the top of the expectations list.

"Sit, sit, now it is Kili Durinson? Isn't it?" The counsellor, Mr Bill Baggins, did not let Kili answer. Mr Baggins reviewed the school transcript pages for a hot second before tossing them into the tray on his desk. He narrowly missed setting them alight with his pipe. 

"Kicked out of your last school? I'm sure you won't find Minas any different from your old school. Same little goblin-guts-for-brains shits everywhere. Alright, get out of my office. I've got a novel to finish."

"Ok, thanks?" Kili held his class schedule in his hands and walked out, surprised to see his cousin Gimli waiting, flicking through a pamphlet on teenage pregnancy. 

"Gimli Durinson get in here." Gimli's grin was a bit like a shark and as big as Uncle Bombur. 

Kili gulped and exited. He wasn't sure about his mother's decision to send him here. Closer to family seemed more hazardous than 'less-likely-to-be-in-constant-trouble' as she had hoped. 

*

Gimli walked into Mr Baggins' room and sat smugly to the displeasure of Mr Baggins.

"I see we are making these incidents into weekly visitations. It says here you tried to fashion an axe out of cutlery, stabbed a sausage, and then swung it around the cafeteria?"

Gimli shrugged, his grin under his growing beard shining in mirth.

"I was joking with the lunch lady. She told me I had a pickle and I said it was more like a bratwurst." 

"Bratwurst?" Mr Baggins looked down at Gimli's loins suspiciously. "Aren't you an optimist? Keep it in your lunchbox next time. Out!"

As Gimli closed the door, Mr Baggins took another puff of his pipe and edited the sentence he was working on. _King Arthur pushed his pulsing bratwurst into Merlin's soggy bottom._

Now he was getting somewhere.

*

"You." Kili startled, looking up from his class schedule. There was senior student with chip on his shoulder and a hair cut that looked like he got lost at a renaissance fair. He looked about as enthusiastic as a cat in a bathtub. 

"I'm Bard, I've been told to show you around."

"Oh, hi! I'm Kili." Kili extended his hand but it was ignored.

"Whatever. I'll give you the breakdown then you scram."

Kili nodded and raced to catch up with Bard as he strode out of the Admin wing, pointing out the cliques along the way. 

"There are the meat head Orcs, our football team. Not a brain cell among them." They seemed to be grunting in unison before a scuffle broke out and the pushing commenced.

Bard walked on. 

"These are the Valars. They're competing for the valedictorian position. Nerds, the lot of them."  
  


The guy in white sneered down his long nose at Kili and Bard, but they guy dressed in raggedy grey muumuu waved his hand in greeting. He seemed to produce glitter out of thin air.

Bard then pointed at the group of nature lovers blending into the schoolyard trees. 

"The Ents, greenie environment loving tree people who talk in riddles."

They looked like they hopped up on something botanical and were talking at half speed.

Bard then pointed to a group that every school seemed to have.

"Let me guess," Killi said. "The horse girls?" 

"The horse girls." He confirmed.

He went to walk on but Kili was captured. The beauty of a cascading waterfall of auburn hair had turned around to address her less seemly friend. 

"Keep dreaming shorty. That's Tauriel Greenleaf. She's one of the untouchables."

"I burn, I pine, I perish," said Kili with a lovestruck voice that was not becoming of him. 

"Of course you do. Don't look now, she's about to sprout some pure and beautiful wisdom." Bard rolled his eyes and tried to insist Kili move on.

Tauriel walked by with her friend saying, "See, there is a difference between "like" and "love". Because I like my daggers, but I _love_ my reflex bow."

Kili turned to Bard excitedly, choosing to ignore any further rolling of the eyes.

"She's an archer! I'm an archer!"

"Listen. Forget her. Incredibly uptight father and it is widely known the Greenleaf siblings aren't allowed to date."

Bard tugged him along to their next destination as Kili dreamed.

_But what if?_

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so terribly sorry for this.


End file.
